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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039673">All of these thousand miles</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ythurielle/pseuds/ythurielle'>ythurielle</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Chinese Actor RPF, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV) RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, M/M, vague sexing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:54:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,439</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039673</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ythurielle/pseuds/ythurielle</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sitting at the kitchen table, zoning out over two plates of untouched dinner, Xiao Zhan thinks about what went wrong.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Wang Yi Bo/Xiao Zhan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>236</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>All of these thousand miles</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>• thanks to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinnamonsnow"><span>cinnamonsnow</span></a> for being the superb hypeman she is &lt;3<br/>• this is my first attempt at angst ever O.o<br/>• the title is from Tove Lo's Thousand Miles</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Things haven’t been going well lately.</p><p>Well, work is fine at least, amazing even, with the way their careers took off. They receive so many opportunities to learn and grow professionally, offers they just can’t refuse in good conscience. But the price for that is schedule after schedule, seemingly endless flights across the country and ever-present strain, on their bodies, on their mind, on their relationship.</p><p>Xiao Zhan is grateful, of course he is, but he’s also very, very tired of being touch-starved. Out of all the things he misses about Yibo, he misses his small touches the most. Yibo’s quite tactile, borderline clingy, always reaching for Xiao Zhan’s hand, pulling him into hugs, bathing him in kisses for no apparent reason other than it feels good for both of them. It seemed a bit invasive in the beginning, but Xiao Zhan rapidly got so addicted to this form of affection that now he struggles to go without it. He can deal with getting by on video calls, late night messages, silly selfies and stolen hours in unfamiliar cities, but being deprived of the comfort of Yibo’s touch for longer periods, often weeks on end, is almost torture.</p><p>And if only that was the only problem…</p><p>Sitting at the kitchen table, zoning out over two plates of untouched dinner, Xiao Zhan thinks about what went wrong.</p><p>It took him a long time to accept this thing between Yibo and him. It started as a <em> thing</em>, a fleeting little thing, tentative friendship, mutual attraction, a summer crush, nothing special - except it kept growing with each minute they spent together, and by the time Xiao Zhan realized what was going on, he's fallen head over heels in love with this annoying little gremlin. Yibo won him over by stubbornness, wearing down his reluctant resistance with compliments and constantly demanding his attention, which might have been annoying at first, but how could Xiao Zhan keep distance from someone whose main goal seemed to be making him laugh every day?</p><p>It was so exhilarating in the beginning, the last few months of shooting, the intermittent period of post-production works, the promotions… It was all teasing and giggles and sneaking into each other’s hotel rooms like teenagers during a school trip, stealing every spare moment for themselves, the danger of getting caught only adding to the thrill. Xiao Zhan felt so youthful during that year and a half, as if he was reliving his late teenage days, constantly high on endorphins, carefree like he never truly had been. He has Yibo to thank for that. Once Xiao Zhan took the first few steps to coax him out of his shell, Yibo quickly turned out to be a companion he never even imagined for himself, supportive, infuriating, caring, wild and honest.</p><p>His brain knows it was not possible to keep the initial idyll up, not with this lifestyle, not with this profession, still he mourns for it, his heart is not ready to accept the loss of that happiness, still yearning to be with Yibo every single day. <em> Everyday is everyday, </em> mocks a sardonic little voice in his head, and Xiao Zhan thinks <em> shut up, Wei Ying,</em> because he will not go there. He will not even start drawing comparisons between them and their fictional counterparts, it’s just not worth the pain, the tragic arc of WangXian doesn’t even really fit their own story, but Xiao Zhan still hopelessly wants that <em> everyday. </em></p><p>Inevitably and all too soon, the time has come to move on. They had to say goodbye to A-Ling and everything that came with it. They knew it wasn't going to be easy. With this new aspect of their life, with their relationship that was meant to be kept carefully hidden behind the scenes, the first steps towards the next milestone felt heavy, unfamiliar, but they took them together and that was all that mattered.</p><p>As enthusiastic as they both were, willing to sacrifice sleep and jumping on late night flights just to see each other for a few hours, over the next year this lifestyle became barely sustainable. For a while it was fine, exciting even, rediscovering each other week after week when they found a mutual free slot in their schedule to meet up. During those times it was like nothing changed at all, they were happy, but the busier they got, the more difficult it became to visit each other, and they started to drift apart.</p><p>Staring at the empty chair across him, Xiao Zhan still feels them drifting. </p><p>Yibo has changed slowly, just a little, Xiao Zhan noticed a bit too late how he’s quieter, more pensive lately. Xiao Zhan tries to cheer him up and most of the time it works, but there’s an underlying, unspoken layer of something bitter between them that drives Xiao Zhan mad. He’s afraid to bring it up, terrified if he touches that thing it will bring down the whole fragile house of cards they built so carefully, so until now he's just buried his head in sand and in work. He’s always made sure to hide his insecurities when they're on a call, and now he’s starting to realize that he shouldn’t have, but he didn’t want to burden Yibo any more, he has enough to worry about as it is. Xiao Zhan promised himself so many times that he would bring it up next time, next time for real, but when they are actually face to face, he couldn't bear to ruin the joy of their reunion and has kept quiet instead like a coward, concentrating only on cherishing every moment he could actually spend with Yibo.</p><p>As those moments started to grow shorter and more far between, Xiao Zhan vowed to try harder. </p><p>He’s been so excited about tonight. It’s supposed to be their first date in a month and Xiao Zhan not only managed to prepare Yibo’s favorite dishes for dinner, he also got a surprise for his boyfriend. Over the last weeks, Xiao Zhan successfully conspired with his manager and Yibo's manager to jiggle around their schedules enough to finally arrange some time off together. It took a lot of negotiations, pouting and even some emotional blackmail, but they made it possible, all in secret. Xiao Zhan can’t wait to share the news with Yibo.</p><p>Except Yibo is late. </p><p>That’s nothing new, he’s often late these days, sometimes not even turning up at all. He always texts or calls, genuinely apologetic, and it’s really not his fault, Xiao Zhan knows that, but the repeated disappointment already started to wear him down. It’s not fair, but he feels like all he does in his free time these days is waiting for Yibo. </p><p>Slowly Yibo is phasing out of his life and Xiao Zhan can’t keep on existing like this. Yibo’s love for him became as necessary for life as oxygen, and <em> god, </em>how fucking selfish that sounds, but it’s true. Xiao Zhan feels like he’s suffocating without Yibo. It’s probably not even healthy, this borderline obsession, but what can he do?</p><p>Leaning on the table to rest his head on his folded arms, Xiao Zhan wonders if Yibo feels the same way. If he goes through the same anguish.</p><p>When it all started, their friends kept teasing Xiao Zhan about how apparent it was that Yibo loved him more. Yibo shrugged it off with a lopsided smirk, saying ”I’ll make him go crazy with love, just wait”, and boy, did he deliver on that promise. Xiao Zhan hopes Yibo knows now how much he loves him back with every fiber of his body. Guilt churning in his stomach, he ponders if he gives enough, if he’s good enough. He knows he’s not the best at showing his emotions, but he’s trying. All he wants is to make Yibo feel loved and happy. </p><p>He shouldn’t wonder, he realizes. He should <em> know. </em> They really need to learn how to communicate more openly. Neither of them has much experience with relationships, not like this. They’re trying their best, but Xiao Zhan worries if that’s enough. He feels like the current situation cannot go on for long. </p><p>Something’s got to give, either their career or their relationship, because he simply cannot endure the constant low level pain of his lover’s absence. It’s reaching the point where it affects his ability to concentrate on his work. He’s not sure how long he can go on like this, and if Yibo suffers, too, they need to make a decision soon. Xiao Zhan can’t be the cause of his pain, can’t keep him in the limbo. He’s not sure he could handle losing Yibo, but if it comes to that, Xiao Zhan will let him go.</p><p>He just really hopes they can find a better solution.</p><p>He really wants to talk to Yibo about all of this, finally, before he could reach his final breaking point and destroy everything. <em> Tonight, </em> he vows, <em> tonight. </em></p><p>Xiao Zhan's phone chirps, a message from Yibo:<br/>“i don’t think i can make it tonight TT &lt;/3”</p><p>Despite already having anticipated this, his heart sinks, defeat cuts deep to his bones. Xiao Zhan is hit with a pang of resentment that scares him. He's never wanted things to come to this. He leaves the message unanswered, dumps the food and goes to bed.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Xiao Zhan can’t fall asleep for hours, no matter how tired he is, no matter how much he just wants to stop <em> feeling </em>for today, sleep eludes him. It’s hard to breathe, every inhale hurts in a way that has nothing to do with his lungs and everything with the feeling of being abandoned. Needing a distraction, he reaches for a book, trying to occupy his thoughts until the ache dissipates.  </p><p>Some time later he hears the front door opening and closing, but he can’t make himself move. He stays put, trying to concentrate on his book, all the while knowing he’s just making things worse, but he’s already chased himself to the bottom of the downward spiral where--</p><p>Yibo steps into the bedroom with a huge sigh, he looks drained but smiling faintly, and Xiao Zhan is overcome with a rush of affection. He wants nothing more than to wrap Yibo up in a thousand blankets, to keep him comfortable and safe. How can he be so egotistical to wallow in self-pity when this precious boy keeps coming back to him even while he’s half-dead from exhaustion? Xiao Zhan will make things right, he will…</p><p>Yibo comes to sit on the edge of the bed. As he leans in to press a tiny kiss into the corner of Xiao Zhan’s mouth in greeting, his scent envelopes them both like an aura, and Xiao Zhan finally feels like he’s able to breathe for the first time in hours, maybe days. He’s so distracted by it that before he could react to the kiss properly, Yibo pulls away. He takes Xiao Zhan’s hand between both of his - these big, warm hands always make Xiao Zhan feel protected, like no matter what happens, they would catch him. They still feel like that now.</p><p>Despite the comfort of his touch, the next words out of Yibo’s mouth eradicate every sense of security Xiao Zhan just gathered from his presence.</p><p>“Zhan-ge, we can’t go on like this.” </p><p>Xiao Zhan can almost feel his heart breaking, except it's already in pieces. It has been for a while, he thinks. He’s torn. He wants to cry and scream and beg for another chance. He also wants to say that he understands, he'll let Yibo go if that’s what Yibo wants… </p><p>Eyes stubbornly on the covers, he takes a deep breath, trying to fight back his tears and swallow the lump in his throat that chokes him, then he takes another, and another, panic squeezing his chest, he needs to-- needs to--</p><p>He barely hears Yibo saying his name but he feels it when those hands let him go. Now that this last defense is gone, too, his tears are falling freely.</p><p>Pulling him back to reality, Yibo cups his face with both hands to make Xiao Zhan look at him.</p><p>“Oh, no, no, Zhan-ge, you misunderstood, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I just wanted to say… What I meant is that we should move in together properly” he shushes him in rushed whispers, caressing Xiao Zhan’s face. “I’m sorry I scared you so much… We’re okay, I promise!”</p><p>It takes Xiao Zhan a few long moments to process this but when he does, he starts crying in earnest, and he laughs at well, a tad hysterical but he can’t help it. He’s so exhausted mentally, emotionally, life has been a complete rollercoaster lately. Yibo pulls him into his arms, whispering into his hair, sweet little nothings that Xiao Zhan doesn’t really understand, but it doesn’t matter. What’s more important now is Yibo’s tone under the words, his tight embrace, his very presence, all so soothing…</p><p>It takes Xiao Zhan a while to calm down, but he quiets eventually, his death grip around Yibo loosening a bit to look at him. “You’re here.”</p><p>“I’m here” Yibo presses a kiss to his forehead, then offers him a few tissues with a smile. “You’re a mess, baby. But you are my mess!” He pets Xiao Zhan’s head in an overly cute and adoring manner, and Xiao Zhan can’t help but chuckle as he cleans his face. The anxiety that kept his body in a spastic tension all evening finally starts to dissolve.</p><p>“When do you have to leave?” Xiao Zhan hates how that’s the question that cuts in front of all the other, more important ones, like how are you, do you need anything… do you still love me… do you know I love you…</p><p>Yibo’s face twitches into a tiny grimace but he schools his features back to reassuring in a second. “Not until the day after tomorrow, afternoon.” </p><p>That’s good. That’s more than they usually get.</p><p>“Plenty of time to talk and work this out” Yibo adds softly, fingers playing with Xiao Zhan’s hair. His fiddling is incredibly relaxing, Xiao Zhan has to fight to keep his eyes open and focused on Yibo. “I could sense that something was off for a while but I didn’t know you felt this bad. You hide it so well, Zhan-ge… I’m so sorry I didn’t realize sooner how much you are hurting.”</p><p>“I’m sorry I worried you” Xiao Zhan reaches for Yibo’s hand and pulls him to lie down on the bed with him, side by side. “I just miss you so damn much all the time, Yibo, on some days I can barely function. I’m terrified of losing you” Xiao Zhan admits quietly, brave enough to bare his insecurities now that he knows Yibo is here to hold him up if he stumbles.</p><p>Yibo’s thumb caresses his jawline, lifting his chin gently until Xiao Zhan looks him in the eye.</p><p>“You. Have. Me." Yibo says, emphasizing every word. "Trust me, unless that’s what you really want, letting you go is not an option.”</p><p>Xiao Zhan sighs deeply and kisses him, finally, properly. It’s a kiss of so many meanings - a greeting, an apology, gratitude… invitation for more…</p><p>Now that the emotional burden is mostly lifted off him, Xiao Zhan realizes that he’s somewhat energized. He feels much lighter now, though there’s still a residual ache that will need some time to fade away completely. More time and more Yibo.</p><p>He wants, <em> needs </em>Yibo more than anything.</p><p>As the tender kiss turns into a frantic attempt to merge their souls, Yibo matches his passion and Xiao Zhan never wants to part from those plush lips, never wants that tongue to stop caressing his, never wants those hands to leave his body. He clings to Yibo with all he has.</p><p>“Wait, wait” Yibo tries, but he’s not very good at waiting either because in the next moment he’s the one to stroke his hand down Xiao Zhan’s spine to fit their bodies flush together. “We should seriously talk about this” he breathes against the skin on Xiao Zhan’s neck, the puff of hot air raising goosebumps all over his body. Xiao Zhan grabs Yibo’s arm helplessly, arching his spine to get closer, closer.</p><p>“We will, later, tomorrow” he promises as he pulls at Yibo’s t-shirt, needing it out of the way. “Need to feel you now, need you--”</p><p>Yibo hums, unable to deny him. It takes great effort, but Yibo separates from him, just for a moment, just long enough to get them both out of their clothes and reach for the lube. He gathers Xiao Zhan back into his arms and slips a few fingers inside him, gentle but efficient. It’s been so long, it should hurt, but Xiao Zhan just feels overly sensitive, as if every nerve ending in his body is wired to pick up Yibo’s touch. He can’t bear the teasing any longer than absolutely necessary.</p><p>“Please...” Xiao Zhan breathes and Yibo understands. He turns him onto his back, lying between his thighs as he sinks into him, slow and steady but unstoppable and Xiao Zhan sighs in relief at the familiar burn. How he missed this, how he missed being one with Yibo! </p><p>Xiao Zhan wraps his arms and legs around Yibo to pull him closer until he lowers himself over him, pressing their fronts together. Xiao Zhan holds onto him, kissing Yibo again and again, unmoving, getting used to the desperately missed feeling of being joined. Pressed against the mattress, being shielded from the world in Yibo’s embrace, Xiao Zhan feels nothing but delight. </p><p>Finally Yibo’s arms give out and he collapses on Xiao Zhan with a giggle and Xiao Zhan loves him so so much he chokes up, unable to do more than to smile and press kisses against Yibo’s temple while he collects himself.</p><p>After leaving a few welcomed marks on his neck, Yibo rises up and flips them over, sitting up cross-legged with Xiao Zhan straddling him on his knees. Xiao Zhan loops his arms around Yibo’s neck and lets him bury his face in his shoulder, cradling Yibo’s nape to keep him there. Yibo presses hot kisses on his skin, his hands sliding up and down on his back, grounding him. He’s so deep like this, Xiao Zhan can barely breathe, his whole body tingles with pleasure. He gives himself over to the sensation, getting lost in it until Yibo says his name, coaxing him back to the present.</p><p>“Zhan-ge, look at me.” </p><p>Xiao Zhan does, meeting his huge, bright, smiling eyes, the endless longing in them matches his own as Yibo blinks up at him. “I love you.”</p><p>Yibo confesses with such conviction that Xiao Zhan has to believe him, he believes with his whole heart. He smiles back, so relieved. </p><p>“I love you” he presses his forehead against Yibo’s who strokes his back, stealing breathless little kisses even as they keep looking at each other cross-eyed, vision blurry. Xiao Zhan wants to stay locked in this moment forever, warm and safe and loved.</p><p>Eventually the need to move wins out, but even as Xiao Zhan rocks on Yibo’s lap, their rhythm stays unhurried, the physical satisfaction only secondary to the euphoria of their soul. Xiao Zhan is actively aware of every patch of skin where they are touching, every soft brush of Yibo’s lips on his cheek, every caress of Yibo’s fingertips on his arms, on his back, on his thighs, <em> everywhere</em>, enveloping him completely. Every small shift, every spark of friction between them feeds the flame inside him, scorching along his spine and drawing quiet moans from his lungs.</p><p>Xiao Zhan’s heart sings, bursting with happiness, his eyes bear teardrops of joy that die on Yibo’s lips as every small movement pushes them closer to the edges of heaven. It’s so hard not to rush but so worth it as the blaze spreads to every corner of their bodies, slow and unrelenting, burning away any lingering heartache until all that’s left is uncontainable pleasure.</p><p>They melt in each other’s arms as it overflows, and Xiao Zhan thinks he’s laughing but he can’t be sure. It doesn’t matter. Yibo hugs him tight for a blissfully long time before easing him onto his back carefully and joining him under the covers. </p><p>Xiao Zhan sighs contently, finally at peace. This is where he belongs. He never feels more at home than when he’s wrapped in Yibo’s arms like this, pressed close, breathing the same air. </p><p>Wherever that home shall be.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>• whoa, this drained me Y_Y<br/>• you can find me on <a href="https://twitter.com/ythurielle">twitter</a> ^^</p></blockquote></div></div>
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